Farewell Freshman Year

This creative writing semester was fun and I will hopefully continue writing on this blog (more often.) I think making a hobby out of writing online will be a great thing to do. Farewell, for now!

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Dancing Dolls

doll

Dolls dancing through a beautiful mansion

Perfect hair with bouncing curls.

Tea parties every day

sat around a table with stuffed companions.

One can only wonder where this all came to be,

Born into a universe controlled by a 5-year-old captor.

Elizabeth means no harm;

she just plays in a doll house with her porcelain best friends

while singing a tune to her favorite song.

She can never know the truth.

These dolls will be played with until they are unwanted

and left forever to  leak glass tears.

~~~~Writers Reflection~~~~

This is a free verse poem and I¬†wrote in this style because that is what I found best suits me. I got this poem while having writers’ block until I hit a breakthrough of a theory that I made up years ago. ¬†The theory that we are not ourselves and we are just being “controlled” by a higher being (like dolls). Not by a god. More like¬†we are a science experiment? ¬†I can’t say I¬†actually believe this theory but it is a weird thought.

Before this poetry unit in class, I didn’t really prefer poetry as a form of writing because a lot of poetry must fit a certain structure. Now I can appreciate poetry more thanks to free verse poetry, but I still like fictional novels more. ūüôā

Image courtesy of Etsy

Stay Alive

April used to run through the dancing grass fields. April used to joke with her father at dinner. April used to be happy. It wasn’t until this year she stayed in her dim room on a sunny day and sat silently at the dinner table. It’s just puberty, her dad thought, she’ll grow out of it. He preached that then. Now, he stands crying into his hands, unable to walk to the casket. It is too painful to lose his daughter, walking to the coffin would only make it real.

It was his sister, Brook, who found April. He told her to stop by the house to check up on April while he was at work. Brook knocked for nearly 5 minutes before she let herself in.

“April?” No answer.

This did not surprise her, as April regularly will often hide silently in her room throughout the day. Brook opened her bedroom door expecting to see April, but a note replaced her. ‘This is my suicide note‘ was printed at the top of the page.

“Oh no.” She ran frantically through the home.

Checking every room, every closet, every hall but April was nowhere to be found. One last door still stood closed, the bathroom. She must be in here, she thought. Slowly, she opened the door to see April in a blood-red bath. Her eyes rolled back and her arm still bleeds within the bath. 9-1-1 was called immediately. April’s father, Hison, could not believe the story.

Brook still looked shocked even on the couch in the funeral room, as if April was right there. If only she was.

“Are you okay, Brook?” Hison asks, knowing what the answer was. Of course she’s not. Her only niece¬†was found dead, and she was the one who found her.

“Uh. Sure… I guess.” She still stares at the ground.

He doesn’t¬†reply. Why should he?¬†Hison can’t bring her back to life. He can’t reassure her that it’s okay. It is not. April, who seemed to be the happiest girl, yet she changed so rapidly,¬†no one could save her. Except me, Hison thinks. Images of what Brook must’ve seen flashes through Hison’s mind. The blood. The blood is the biggest thing. Her life was drained out of her, and it was all caused by herself.

Hison glances at the clock; 5:53 pm is printed in red; 7 minutes before the funeral is over, and he will never be able to see his daughter again. Slowly, he stands and walks to the front of the room where April lies. All eyes aid at Hison as he walks to the casket for the first time that day.

When he approaches the coffin, April lies with her dark red hair and soft freckles. She wears a black lace dress as if she is attending the funeral herself. It is a dress much more beautiful than the one she wore to her last funeral she was at. She was 13 at the time of her mother’s death just last year. Her mother, Jane, had chronic depression. With this depression, she often wept¬†alone in her room. She became¬†very disconnected from everyone as time rolled on. It was heart breaking. Jane spoke of killing herself a lot. This hit April hard. It made her feel as if her mother did not like her.

“Why would mama want to leave me?” she asked me one night in tears.

The whole family all worked together to try to get her therapy, hope, anything. It simply did not work.

May 22nd, 2010, Jane Williams committed suicide. Death by pill. April was very close to her mother before the depression. Jane’s absence utterly destroyed who April was. Everyone hoped April would become liberated by her mother’s death, as she was very mad at her mom for never trying to get help, and never being a parent. She simply did not understand that the depression was much deeper than what she thought. Instead, the death made April go to complete darkness. She was dispirited. She spent her days in anger towards her mother, rather than supporting her. No one knew it would resort to this.

Hison just wished he would have done something. He thought her anger and sadness would fade as time progressed. Why didn’t he do something? Now it was too late.

Suddenly, Hison feels a lump in his throat. A silent cry screams out of him. He finds himself on his knees on the prayer stool. He prays that this is all just a horrible nightmare, and he will wake up in bed beside his wife; April zooming into the room yelling at them to get up.¬†It’s Christmas!

When he opens his eyes, nothing changes, he still kneels before a coffin, holding April’s hand in his. He sobs into his arm and kisses her hand repeatedly.

“Why God!? Why!?” He cries.

Everything becomes slow motion. He bursts into dramatic howls and screams. Tears fall like a waterfall out of him. Everyone in the room averts their eyes from him; afraid to make eye contact; afraid to see such sadness out of such a strong man. Suddenly, Hison’s mother puts her arms around him. A hug. The hug feels like nothing, but he accepts it anyway. It became obvious he wanted to be alone.

Soon, everyone will have left the room as it was now 6:00 pm. Hison was now alone in the dim room beside April. Blurred by tears, he cups his hand around her face and gives her a kiss on the cheek.

He gently places her delicate hand back into in place, “Goodbye April.”

He exits the room.

Now a month later, Hison, rarely leaves his bed. His brown hair lies greasy; his fridge stands empty. The house is cold, bare, lifeless. Just a couple years ago, the home was alive. April was laughing, Jane and Hison cuddled on the couch watching football. Jane rolled her eyes at Hison’s excitement for the game. She didn’t mind it much. Later, she admitted she slightly liked the game.

Times have changed, now all rooms are dark; blinds are pulled back daily. Hison only drowns in his own sorrows. Who knew depression would be the one to kill this great family? Hison stays wrapped in his blankets crying, other times he lies emotionless, gone. He has many thoughts of ending it all multiple times, but has yet to give in. He knew soon he wanted to die. Now, he sees no hope in getting help. The only ones he truly loved the most have left him. At least if he died, he would finally see them again. He looks down at his belly that has shrunk, his ribs now poked out. Hison has lost all appetite. Who would eat at such terrible times?  He did not care to eat.

Darkness covered his mind, his line of thought. He couldn’t focus on the happy things, as he simply could not see it in his blurred image of depression.

Moderately, he stood up. Now is the time.

Now is the time he would end it all. End the sadness. The pain. The anger. It all seems so weird. How casual he makes this all to be. Death seemed like a miracle, a dream, a gift he deserved so greatly. It is the time he gives this to himself. His image in the bathroom mirror showed he has rarely paid attention to his looks. No care too anyway. He opens the mirror where medicine sits. One bottle, however, stands out to Hison. Oxycodone is printed in red. It is a painkiller from when Jane broke her leg. A large warning label is printed. Highly addictive. If used wrong, it will result in death. He knew this. This is the very pill that had taken Jane away. Immediately, he poured a handful into his hand before he would have a second thought on his decision. Without water, he gulped down the pills. He feels the small circular pills spill down his throat followed by the bitter taste. He did not regret this decision. Next, he walks back to his bed and lies down again. As his thoughts grew farther, and his body becomes numb, death says hello. He opens his arms and smiles, before his sleep forever.

To his surprise, Hison wakes again. He lowers his feathery eyebrows in confusion. He stares at his hands as if they would tell him why he was still alive. They didn’t. Sighing, he turns his back to the right, when he see’s a figure of a person under the covers. In fear, he jumps out the bed.

“Who are you?” he shouts. No answer, “Hello?!”

A ghostly figure arouses from the sheets, “Stay alive, Hison”

It disappears to appear again. Now it can be seen it is a woman. She seemed to have long red hair and wore a white gown, the last thing Jane ever wore. Undoubtedly this was Jane. Her face, her body, everything screamed Jane. Tears of joy flowed from his eyes, but a strange sense of fear still held within him.

“J-J-Jane?” Hison backs away. The ghost of Jane states to glow in a bright light. So bright, Hison has to put his hand out in front of him as if she were the sun. Abruptly again, the flash appears next to her. A shorter figure in a black dress appears, her red hair matches Janes. April? Hison’s breath goes faster and his eyes widen with tears. April! He runs to April but falls through. They both laugh in a ghostly fashion.

The ghost of Jane starts to glow in a bright light. So bright, Hison has to put his hand out in front of him as if she were the sun. She stares at him. It feels like a movie. The room goes dark. A deep silence fills the room. The air feels cold but Hison tries to focus his eyes on Jane who stands motionless in the darkness. Abruptly again, the flash appears next to her. A shorter figure in a black dress appears, her red hair matches Janes. April? They both float above the bed. Hison’s breath goes faster and his eyes widen with tears. April! He runs onto the bed to hug April but falls through. He lands face first to his carpet. They both laugh in a ghostly fashion.

“Oh, dad how I missed you!” April says with a smile. Still, her voice echoes¬†through the room. She lowers herself so she was no longer floating above the bed, but was standing beside the bed. She glided her hand along the bed sheets. Jane hovers to Hison and grabs his chin and plants a giant kiss on his lips. This feels so real! This has to be a dream. It must be heaven! Jane releases herself.

“Hison, you can’t kill yourself.” she grabs April, and pulls her to her hip, “You must stay on Earth. You have dreams, Hison. You have a family.”

Hison shakes his head, “But, you’re my family. I’ve missed you so much. I can’t live without you. April. April was the hardest of all. I can’t do it. I won’t.”

They both get an empathizing expression. They understand his feeling, his feeling of doubt, his grief. April comes forward and wraps her arms around his chest. She holds him close as if she will never see him again.

“Dad, I will admit it, I am the happiest I have been in a very long time, and I’m glad to rejoice with mom, but I’m also the saddest I’ve been. I had so many goals in this one life I had, and I threw it all away. My friends, my family, you. I thought I deserved a violent death, that I had to hurt myself as punishment for being so mad at mom. It was too late when I realized I was not only punishing just myself, I was putting the pain on the people I loved the most. I’ve been told to let my life go and to be free, but I can’t. Watching you suffer like this, I can’t. I love you dad and I want you to be happy. Live your life on Earth, take risks, just enjoy the little things. Because you only have one life and I would hate to see you throw it away like I did.”

Hison is shocked by such wisdom. Is she really letting me hold her back from heaven? Tears again flow from his eyes. He feels so bad for keeping his daughter back from the biggest moment of her afterlife. This message hits him hard. He realizes there is more to his life than her. April is happy, he should be happy for her.

“I’m so sorry.” he pauses, “I won’t. I won’t kill myself. I’ll stay alive, for you, April.” Hison cries.

They all join in a long emotional hug. April is slightly crying. She doesn’t want to let go. Jane kisses Hison on the head. She gently releases.

“We must go. We aren’t supposed to be down here on Earth. I love you Hison.” she turns away and looks back, April floats to her and waves, “Stay alive, Hison.”

I will.

Suddenly, Hison wakes alone in his bed. April and Jane are gone. Was it just a dream?

He gets up and goes to the kitchen for the first time since April was around. He finds an apple and chomps into it. Time to give myself a second chance.

To be continued….

In the end, Hison learns to live without Jane and April. Whether the visit was just a dream or real, he knows Jane and April did visit in some form. They spoke the message he needed most. Every night he speaks to them. He knows they’re listening when the wind blows in the room. They listen to his love. He keeps a journal he says they are notes¬†to Jane and April. Now he talks to his mom more and contacted his brother for the first time in 3 years. He learns to lives without them. Without April. He has found hope.

Hakuna Matata

Why don‚Äôt more people go by the phrase ‚ÄėHakuna Matata?‚Äô

Maybe it is because more want to abide by society’s standards.

They dress to impress, they aren’t themselves, they are what everyone wants and aren‚Äôt unique in the slightest.

Instead of trying to be society’s standards, why doesn’t anyone drop their worries and just live life? Life means to live, not abide by others opinions; others demands. Hakuna Matata.

“It means no worries for the rest of your days. It’s our problem-free philosophy. Hakuna Matata!” ~Lion King

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